How to Beautify the Apartment, Effortlessly

Start with the desire.

With a meticulous eye and the soul of an unforgiving judge, perform a comprehensive survey of your natural habitat. This survey should not take more than a few minutes, and involves making a mental checklist of all aspects of your humble dwelling that need improvement. For those of us who understand what it means to harbor a deep-seated contempt for the less-than-illustrious state of your abode, and have to keep this resentment bottled up interminably because any attempt to ameliorate the situation requires effort, this task is made easier: just sit down comfortably in a private location that is devoid of breakables and identify your frustrations, one by one.

Once this is done, close your eyes, and let your imagination run without restraint. Imagine that every single time you come home from work or school and open your front door, you are greeted by your private vision of utopia on earth. Every single time you take your first step into home-sweet-home, you cannot help yourself: your throat muscles involuntarily contract and your eyes start to water. Nurture this precious fantasy. Let the seed of desire burgeon and take root. Comfort yourself with the maxim: “A motivated soldier has already won half the battle.”

So we’re nearly (half-way) there. The next step is to realize that, like most college students in America, you have the dubious pleasure of living with fellow students, who will have varying levels of motivation with regards to joining this fateful enterprise. The key to the success of this enterprise lies, paradoxically, in its secrecy. Do not attempt to impress upon them the beauty and necessity of your grand vision, because your success is not guaranteed. Rather, get them excited about a huge party that you will throw next Saturday night. Remind them about a friend’s twenty-first birthday that they have not had a chance to celebrate. Tell them about another friend’s momentous decision to return to college. Or tell them it’s everybody’s birthday! Do any of us really need more excuses for celebrations and general mayhem in a confined environment where everyday social constraints are relaxed (or sometimes completely ignored)?

After you have worked your fellow mates up to a frenzy of excitement, play on their vanity. This party is going to be a huge success - something that everybody will remember for months to come. There will be immense public pressure for a sequel. Perhaps your mates’ stuttering social lives could be rejuvenated. Reputations can be made, or broken, at this party.

In order to fulfill the requirements of a “good party,” your modest domicile needs party attractions, in the same way that countries need lavish spectacles to reel in the tourist dollar. Cajole one of your mates, who is an accomplished photographer but has always been reticent about public displays of his work, into finally buying frames at the latest 2-for-1 Aaronbrothers sale and setting up a photo-gallery in the living room. Convince them that the untidy heap of college textbooks strewn all over the living room floor will look majestic, if they are stacked together in an impressive pile that snakes up toward (and touches) the ceiling.

Details matter! Impress upon your mates the necessity of a source of mindless entertainment for party guests – acquire a television, couch, and a PS2 game that preferably inflames passions and intense rivalry (think nail-biting action, think heart-stopping combat, think Soul Calibur III). It would also be a good time to clean those toilets with powerful bleaching agents that erase all odors of the past, like the fading memory of a bad dream come morning light.

Finally, any good party must have a theme, and the theme of the day is: Autographed Art. Enforce a strict no-entrance policy for party guests unless each of them brings along an original piece of art, which will be proudly displayed on the walls. Ensure that the guest-list is long and offer a prize to the winner of the art competition. Expect to be pleasantly surprised by the creativity of friends whom you would not have thought capable of drawing a simple hat. Not only is this choice of theme great for the decor, it is also a natural ice-breaker for party guests who may not have an opinion about the weather, but have something intelligent to say about their artwork.

As the party dies down and the last few stragglers bid their farewell, stand back, take a deep breath and admire what you have accomplished with very little effort at all.

This is a moment, the moment, fantasy turned reality, fulfillment and euphoria, precious, immortal.

Don’t forget to exhale.