Exhaustion
There is no time to exhale. No time to inhale. Just an interminable process of self-imposed intellectual discipline and rigour that is almost beyond me. Some weeks, I feel like it's almost beyond human. When a sharp mental alertness honed from trying to learn too much too fast is gradually but surely blunted by the frailty of the human mind. Frailty of the human mind? Such an idea, I have dismissed derisively before, but not now. Not when I am experiencing firsthand what my limits are.
I knew it was going to be challenging. It's hard to see the end, or the big picture, when the next day is imminent, and so pressing in urgency. Homework is always half-done, or done with no finesse or care, or not done at all. Like a regular steak. I've never skipped more classes in my life. I've lost faith with half my TAs, because they can't answer the questions that I ask. The professors are much more helpful, but time with them is always limited, through no fault of their own. The level of my effort and dedication per course has diminished in comparison with last quarter, and I know my grades will suffer.
But that's okay. Everything's okay. More than that. I'm walking a tightrope of built-up intellectual tension, and exhaustion, my shadow, creeps up on me, and I'm half way there and the view is great. It is the decisions we make that shape our worldview, and this is one decision I make that I will have no regrets making. That I will make again, in three heartbeats.
